Where to begin? I’m trying to pick up the pieces to a game I never wanted to play. I’m trying not to blame myself. I’m trying to remember how it was. It’s easier to hate you than to walk around like we never had anything. I wish we could sit down and I could tell you everything I couldn’t for the last two months. Then you would tell me all the things you didn’t tell me. But it’s never that easy. Tonight is the first night we’ll see each other in a month. I can’t wait to put my arms around you. I’m not ready to let go. I asked God to give me a sign. Tell me what to feel and how to be with or without you. I asked him to let my heart be grateful and more understanding if you decide you want to continue us. I also asked him to give me peace if you decide this is not what you want. I know I’m not easy to deal with. I’m drama, but I hope that you can see it’s because I care about you. These are my last two months and I will not spend them chasing the ghost of you. I know I wasn’t the only one, but let me show you I’m the best one.

I don’t want you to pick sides…I just want you to stand up for me. By standing up I mean I don’t want you to talk to him about his new girl/or what happened between him and I. I need you to be there for me and realize what I’m going through. Its not easy, and it’s gonna take some time. I also know who he is, and how your new found friendship with him might make you feel, but please just be concious of what he is doing/has done in the past four months and take a step back. I have stood up for you to him many times. Why do you think you have his number? Remember who introduced you to him and her…Im not taking credit, I’m reminding you of who was there first, and who has never let you down. And you can garuntee I will be there when they both turn from you…

I wish that you would have just been truthful, not only to me, but to yourself. Obviously, you knew what your intentions were for you and I. You knew how much I loved and adored you. You made me feel special, all the while you and your friends laughed at me. Thanks for wasting my time. Just as long as you’re happy, right?

I am living my own worst nightmare. You are the epitome of everything I didn’t want you to become. I defend you to everyone, and you let me down. Congratulations, you proved everyone right. You get a gold star for the incredibe acting and even better script. They say that you must always love, especially when its hard…I love and support you more than I should. I killed myself to be everything I thought you needed me to be, but you didn’t see.

Tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart…

I often have a different outlook then you might assume. People have a different idea about me and what I’m really about. There’s a lot that you may see, but there’s an equal amount of what you do not see. Many brush me off and dismiss my words. I’ll admit, my mouth gets me in trouble. Not necessarily in a bad way. I either say too much, or not nearly enough. I’m beginning  to find out, however, that my silence isn’t the best approach. By the time everything hits the surface after eating its way out of me the words roll off my tongue sloppy and unplanned. On the other side, if I speak too much my words become plain and no where near as special as I need them to be…